Every Decision I've Ever Made...

I have been thinking a lot since yesterday, when I was spending some time with camp friends. They were talking and a friend of mine who we will call Emily was expressing to me later how uncomfortable she was with their topic of conversation: sex. Not like "I really need to get some..." but more like "We was doing it and then he bent me over and next thing I know his car was in my garage...". I told my friend that maybe it was because they are so completly comfortable in their own sexuality, that they can go there. Emily doesn't like certain words like vagina, penis, etc. I don't know where I was going with that.

Anyways, Emily and I are driving and we are talking. We talk about how when people find out that you have been a victim of rape or sexual abuse, then they get this fake kind of sympathy and don't know what to say, therefore creating an awkward enviroment. They never look at you the same. My fraternity brothers were talking the other day about one brother who they think might be bi-sexual. It made me angry. God, I think I am bi-sexual. But I fear the hatred. I fear the rejection. I fear the awkwardness. I just want to be normal. Whatever that is, I just want to be it. I am scared of guys. Especially ones who strike me as the big masculine types. Jocks, Tall people, buff, deep voiced. The epitamy of what it is to be in the box of a "man". I am comfortable with girls. I don't think I get as strong of a sexual tug though.

God doesn't speak to me anymore. Not thorugh his words or his signs. I am losing faith. I believe in God. I know He/She can do powerful things. But did He/She create me to go to hell? The God I know would answer that as no, but the God I see in scripture and others interpretation says yes.

I got in touch with MOCSA. I feel like I am lying to them. Even though I am telling the truth, it feels as though it is a lie escaping my lips. I think I might be depressed. God, I am so scared about what direction my life will be going. MOCSA wants these support group things, I am not sure I can handle that. I don't think I will use their services yet. Plus, how am I going to keep gas in my car to drive downtown to the meetings? I mean come on.

I thought about it these past few days, and I joined my particualr fraternity, because the men were the least intimidating. I have never been able to hang out with people of color, because most of them oooze machismo. I think my parents cry for me. I am crying for myself. And yet, I still can't cry. I just don't know.

I am rambling. To summarize, people gossiping about sexuality make me mad. I am not sure about this MOCSA thing. I think I like guys more than girls. I am constantly scared. And I still don't know who I am. My life revolves around my crisis.

I am so fucked up...