Today I Called...
Today I called MOCSA. They didn't answer. Seems like another day in my life. I'm scared to be back at school. I see my fraternity brothers and they all seem to be having so much fun with their happy seemingly perfect lives. Mine is not so happy. I got some leadership positions here at school, but I don't think they are going to help me hide from my past any longer. I feel more guarded about being happy, or just having an easy going attitude. Is that bad. I find myself not caring. I keep thinking I want to be that person I was. But I can't be.
I feel like I am being used by my best friends. One is just staying with me, but has nothing to do with me now that he is back around our other friends. He depresses me a lot. His isssues that he tries to talk to me about make me angry that he has time to be angry about someone not saying hello to him and he feels he deserves a greeting. I feel I deserve a life not being scared seeing other balck men on campus. I deserve not to be so confused about myself that I just want to scream, but I am too steadily ripping out my vocal cords, so as not to let anyone on to my pain. I deserve happiness, to not feel as though my life has no purpose. I deserve to be me. Whoever that is.
My other best friend I think is just one of those people that doesn't put a lot of emphasis in being there. Oh, calling up to have lunch is fine, or calling up when she's upset is okay, but when I need her just to call and say "how are you doing?", she is not there for me. I am not sure what that means. I love her and consider her to be one of those people that will be in my life for a long time. But I feel as though our relationship is slipping through the cracks of my upcoming crisis, which I am having everytime I think about the issues I have to deal with in my life. I don't cry, I just get that low feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanna throw up.
I am blank. I have been written on so much, some of it by me, a lot by society and circumstance. But underneath, I am fresh canvas waiting on this beautiful mosaic to be created in my to shine through to the world. I am the artist. I can't find my paintbrush. I stare into the emptiness a lot. I find myself there. Too bad I can't see it or bring it back with me. What am I doing? I feel as though I am just meandering along. Dilapidated. I am dilapidated. Bruised, damaged, ugly, should be torn down. But I can be fixed up. It will take a lot of work. It might be easier to just destroy me and start anew. Will I take the time? When I get tired will God finish the rest? Is He there? Can You hear me? No. All is silent in my world. Don't let the silence overtake me. I am tired of living in the shadow. I am scared of the dark. I have lost my flashlight. And I don't have the strength to look for it. I was lost with it. I am lost without it.
I am lost...
I feel like I am being used by my best friends. One is just staying with me, but has nothing to do with me now that he is back around our other friends. He depresses me a lot. His isssues that he tries to talk to me about make me angry that he has time to be angry about someone not saying hello to him and he feels he deserves a greeting. I feel I deserve a life not being scared seeing other balck men on campus. I deserve not to be so confused about myself that I just want to scream, but I am too steadily ripping out my vocal cords, so as not to let anyone on to my pain. I deserve happiness, to not feel as though my life has no purpose. I deserve to be me. Whoever that is.
My other best friend I think is just one of those people that doesn't put a lot of emphasis in being there. Oh, calling up to have lunch is fine, or calling up when she's upset is okay, but when I need her just to call and say "how are you doing?", she is not there for me. I am not sure what that means. I love her and consider her to be one of those people that will be in my life for a long time. But I feel as though our relationship is slipping through the cracks of my upcoming crisis, which I am having everytime I think about the issues I have to deal with in my life. I don't cry, I just get that low feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanna throw up.
I am blank. I have been written on so much, some of it by me, a lot by society and circumstance. But underneath, I am fresh canvas waiting on this beautiful mosaic to be created in my to shine through to the world. I am the artist. I can't find my paintbrush. I stare into the emptiness a lot. I find myself there. Too bad I can't see it or bring it back with me. What am I doing? I feel as though I am just meandering along. Dilapidated. I am dilapidated. Bruised, damaged, ugly, should be torn down. But I can be fixed up. It will take a lot of work. It might be easier to just destroy me and start anew. Will I take the time? When I get tired will God finish the rest? Is He there? Can You hear me? No. All is silent in my world. Don't let the silence overtake me. I am tired of living in the shadow. I am scared of the dark. I have lost my flashlight. And I don't have the strength to look for it. I was lost with it. I am lost without it.
I am lost...
posted by A Lost Soul | 9:18 PM
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