I Keep Running...

I left the country to escape dealing with what I knew I had to deal with. I am still here wondering why I feel so alone. Why I have no one to share what I am feeling with. At least when i was at home I could talk with people. But no one here can even begin to understand. I don't know what I can say about this. I know that I should not be down, I should be enjoying the time that I have here away from it all bnut the anxiety of it is just building up and I don't know if it will ever end! I miss everyone, and it is only adding to the fact that I still can't cry. I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I am going to hell. I still think about sex with men, but I really want a relationship with a women. I have thoughts about being loved by men, but being in love with a women. I don't know what that means. I look for men who are taller than me who represent the true aspect of manliness. No one like me who is so meek that I can disappear under the radar. People with muscles, not bulging things that look like Arnold or anything but someone who is taking care of thier body, who is strong and could take me in thier arms and truly overpower me if needed. But I always submit willingly. I am trying to convince myself real hard that I am heterosexual. But I really don't know. That is what is so dman frustrating! I just want to have an identity. I want to be the flamer or the man, I can't be both, it does not work for me! I even have people believing that I am just very "confident in my own sexuality" that is the very line I use because I tell it to myself over and over again when I go out to the gay clubs or dress in drag. But I am not. I feel worthless. Even though great things arew happening for me, I feel as though everything else is collapsing around me. I have lost a good friend thorugh some of my actions, I know they were wrong but I did it to escape a bit more of the pain that was going on inside me. I just needed to escape everything for a while. Before I left I would play with my cousins children. I love them. And I don't even know them. I feel as though they are mine to look after and watch. I look at his girlfriend and think, "he could do so much better". But I never spend that time being angry with him for the fact that he has ruined me and I can't seem to move past it. I want to love a girl and have children and be a family and make my family proud! But honestly, I do not know if I can. I am just hoping that I find a job that has me so occupied and I get really important in my role or studies in which I can use the arguement that I just don't have time for a relationship. But I do, and if I didn't I would make time. There is a song by a group called Saving Jane and they have this song called Happy. If starts off talking about how they pass the time avoiding their problems with alcohol, and it is all because they have been in a realtionship, whether it was healthy or not is not mentioned, and their other has moved on to another. They say "I'm so happy for you, I could cry, and I'm so elated, cross my heart and hope to die, I don't think about you every night, before I close my eyes, I'm so happy for you, I could cry." The essence of the song is that they have not moved on and the fact that they have is hurtful. I don't know where I was going with that thread but there it is. I have a hole in me that just can't seem to be filled. And when I try I fill it with mischief, or falsehoods. And when I don't have any more of that in me, my body fills it with grief or lonesomeness. I feel as though I am plagued by anxiety. It sits in my stomach like gas that won't go away no matter how many Gas-X I take. When will I find myself? I am getting ready to graduate college for God's sake. I am thinking about leaving the area for grad school whether that is in the States has yet to be determined. But how can I leave, when I have so much baggauge. So much bagguage I haven't even begun to pack it all up. So much bagguage it keeps me rooted even when I am no longer in close proximity. Bagguage...