My Struggles Are Silent...

I forgot I had this thing until yesterday when I needed to post something secret.

A Quick Update:

I got back from overseas and attended an awesome summer program that has a lot of prestige behind it. In this program I meet a guy. Lets call him Nelson.

Nelson is openly gay. And so not my type. While he is tall and good looking and kind of dominant (maybe he was my type) he was also a bit fem for my taste. Well one night in a club, I am dancing and I realize that my lips are a bit dry, so I begin to apply my chapstick. When I finish, I notice that Nelson is looking me right in the eye with a look that I can't quite place. He comes right over to me and leans in, like he is going to kiss me, I lean back and kind of chuckle. He leans back and I again try and back away, but he puts his hand on the small of my back and pushes me forward. I ask him "what are you doing? and he justs says, "kiss me." I say, I can't and he repeats himself "kiss me." and leans in. This time, I don't lean away and actually kind of lean in. He kisses me. Slow, soft and deep. He puts his hands behind my head and strokes. It is very loving and tender and I am breathless after. Later that night, he sends me a text that says, "it was nice kissing you, we should do it again sometime." I respond back, "lol, it was nice kissing you too." He asks what I am doing and I text that I am getting ready to shower and head to bed. He says okay. I don't think much else of it and go off to the showers. Now very few people in the program have explored our residence hall as thoroughly as I have. Nelson is one of the few, and knows that I go to an upper level floor and take showers. So while I am in the shower, I hear someone come in the bathroom. While I am not nervous, I am a bit perplexed as no one has ever been up here while I have been. So I continue my shower when I feel something lightly graze my hip. I turn around but there is no one there. I am not sure what is going on or how I feel about it, but I continue with my shower. I feel what distinctly is known as a hand kind of lightly touch the small of my back and the light hair there are stimulated and rising. I turn my head and observe Nelson naked in the shower area. He gently asks can he come in my stall and join me. I nervously nod my head yes and immediately feel my body shaking from nervousness. Let me just say that I begin the physical journey there of sexual exploration. While we did not have sex that night, we were sexual. I knew the feel of his body and he knew mine. I attribute a lot to him for that night. And not just the sexual realization, but a new found appreciation for my body. Nelson touched me and looked at me as I never had been touched or looked at before. He loved my body, and when he touched he did not just go for the "hot spots." Instead he felt my chest, my stomach, my hips, my thighs, my calves, and my feet. He would not kiss me in places that were meant to "get me off." But instead did it to stimulate my senses. A kiss on my neck, a nip at the curve of my jaw, a flick of his tongue at my ear, a mouth sensation at my nipples, a brush of cheek at my navel. All aspects were intimate over sexual. He would look at me in the heat of a kiss and say "I love the feel of your lips". Or in the middle of the passionate closeness of having him in me, he would slow down almost stopping and feel me from my waist to my chest and say, "I love to touch and see your body". But like all summer programs, it came to an end. And while it was a short period of time that we were intimate we parted ways on an wonderful note, with a night of kissing and hold ing each other rather than sex. It was easier that way. To know that it was more special that just release. I did not love him, but had we spent just a bit more time together, it might have become that way.

I came out to myself that first night with Nelson and I then told my close friends. Each time we were together ut was a moving and exciting and scary time for me as I did not know where to go from there. And due to our distance, I decided not to keep Nelson in on this process.

Other news:

I have sought the counseling I so needed and while it is good, it is bringing up a lot of emotions I have not dealt with in a long time!

I cry a lot more now. And while it is healing to know I can again, it is scary because I can feel them coming at just random points again. and I had worked hard to build that wall between my emotions and the world.

But that brings us to today.

So here is the new secret. I made out with one of my fraternity brothers. It was accidentally on purpose. It was a bad decision. I have realized now that I am suffering from some interesting emotions. Let me give some background...

Me and my fraternity brother went out on the town my best friend. We ended up at a club and were having a grand time. At one point, the conversation shifts to who has had "interesting interactions" with other brothers. I can not contribute to this conversation as I have been a good boy. Up until this point. So I realize with this conversation shift that things are getting sexual fast. Now my friend is not "gay" he is just "questioning" but I know what that means from boys, that they want to have sex with a boy or two and then just move on as if it never happened, because they aren't "gay", they are just "having fun." So I am trying not to get caught up in this, as I don't want to see this friend of mine in a sexual light, simply as a friend, that way our friendship can stay the same, and I am not thinking about him in my dreams, ya know? Well, we are all getting rather drunk and dancing and a little bit of touching is going on, not on my part, but this friend is letting his hands roam...

Well, me and my best friend sneak in a quick conversation in which we both confess that we kind of want him to makeout with us. But I had no real expectation that it would happen. And so assuming this to be true in both me and my best friends case, I kind of say "you should go for it" not really thinking that anything will be going on, because he is our friend, our brother, and he is straight, right? But my best friend does go for it, and is successful. But as the night goes on I kind of get left while they "run off and play," I start having other emotions come up. I realize that I am a bit hurt because I think maybe I wish it was me. Maybe I solely wanted to be wanted. So is that jealousy? I did not have it targeted at my best friend though. Okay, maybe a little bit...

Well later that night, I ended up making out with my fraternity brother. He was drunk and I was sobering up as I had been appointed sober driver. While I knew my best friend and him had made out and we all had danced pretty raunchy together, I was no longer thinking about my brother in that way really. But then we went to the bathroom together and when he finished, he went on out. And when I finished I walked out the door and I was grabbed by him and flung against a door. He then kissed me pretty forcefully, and I will admit, I gave in a bit and just enjoyed the moment. And then I pushed him back and said, "I don't think this is the best idea..." and started to walk away. He grabbed me again and pushed me into another wall with a kind of ledge behind if for drinks. He went in for the kiss again. I let him for a moment and then pushed him back to catch my breath from all of the excitement. He then said to me, "I just want to put you up on that ledge and *inset grunting sound*." Here is where my whorish roots show. I just bunny hopped right up on that ledge and gave him a look that said "your move..." After some more manly makeout sessions, I pushed him away and he said "I really want you." And I said, "I think we should go home now." I went and we got my best friend and we went home. It was difficult to walk away as one the moment was really hot and I had a hard on the size of Texas and my tight club gear was not doing a really good job of hiding it. It was not a pleasant situation for me...

When we finally get back to my BFF's house, I realize that things are going to go further. My fraternity brother asks me to join them in the bedroom. I am not sure I can handle that, so I opt out. It was tough, I felt as though my heart as well as my sexual being was torn from my body. It hurt. I knew what was going to happen, and yet I felt powerless to stop it and say, I want you! Wait! And it wasn't that I didn't want him to be with my best friend. Well that is not fully true. I didn't want any of it to happen because I was afraid that I loved him then. And if he slept with my best friend, it would feel like a betrayal, even though I had not expressed any of this to my BFF. I even felt as though I had betrayed my best friend, because I only assumed he was feeling the same way I was and I had not told him that I had kissed our brother and had betrayed him. I even cried on our drive home for feeling so guilty. I had no right to feel this way...

My best friend and I had talked about this that night. I had given him the thumbs up, so what am I upset about? I think it was that I couldn't see it happening. Not because my BFF is not a catch, he is. But really, it is our fraternity brother, and we kind of like him, but we would never go for it. Right? So I gave him a "proceed to go, collect $200 dollars" pass! An he did...
I thought that after their kiss, it wouldn't go any further with them, or with me. This is my own naivety...

My best friend and another really close, damn near best friend slept together.

And now I have these feelings of something else toward my fraternity brother. He seems tainted in a way. And honestly I think it is because he slept with someone who wasn't me. I think I might have been okay with this if it had been with some random female. But it wasn't. It was my best friend. My BFF! Our brother, our friend, everything! This person is like my heartbeat, he is so close to me. I almost consider him a part of me. Hell, I do consider him a part of me. I can't imagine my life today without him in it. I can't get over it. It seems to difficult to comprehend, it seems too dirty for me. And totally wrong in some way. And for some reason, I feel like I knew before things happened that things were going to change. And I feel some emotion, that for some reason I am to blame for all of this. I think I feel guilty for everyone and I can't quite put my finger on it. I have this hanging sense of doom and it is stuck in my throat like a fish bone and it feels heavy in my stomach like dropped stone. I feel nauseated....

And here comes the sticky part. I now want my friend. My fraternity brother. I think I may want him more seriously than just for a quick fuck. I think I might love him. And it is because I know his personality. He makes me laugh and has frustrated me, and he has a kindness about him that I have always been drawn to. And now I see him as a sexual being, whereas before I did not. I want his touch, and his friendship. And I am not sure what that means. It is really hard putting this in words. Every time I replay this in my head, new emotions rise up and I get more confused. I have been thinking of this new found epiphany like Cher's realization that she loved her ex step brother Josh on Clueless. And now I know where the sinking feeling in the stomach comes from. It is not as much guilt as it is love. I know that feeling. And I hate it. I think I could use some alcohol...

As for my best friend, I am not in love with him, while I do love him. He is beyond that for me. He is like my brother, my heart, my spirit. Honestly, I think I am more hurt by him right now because I feel like he should have known that neither one of us should have let this happen. I know that is not fair to him, because he did not see this coming. He did not know that I would be this shaken up from this. And it is not his fault. But in hindsight, I wonder can he see that this was an awful decision for me? I think I am feeling this way because of the a syndrome I call the "what if..." I do have regrets. But here is another secret thought. I regret this past weekend...